Ruminating Questions
- Do people read the Bible more as they get older
because they’re cramming for their finals?
- Since mothers here feed their babies with tiny
spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use
toothpicks?
- If it’s true that we are here to help
others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
- If a man says something in the woods and there
are no women there, is he still wrong?
- Why do people devote their lives to becoming
famous, then do everything they can to avoid
people?
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn’t zigzag?
- Why don’t we call sunny days undercast?
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
- What’s the speed of dark?
- How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled
employees?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour
before getting OUT of the water?
- Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat
food?
- If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?
- Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word
“lisp” to have an “s” in it?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it’s zero degrees outside today and
it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians
throw hamburgers?
- If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it
become kitty litter?
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a
driveway?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- Why is Cream of Wheat not a soup?
- Does ground beef come from cows with no legs?
- Why do males spend their first nine months trying
to get out of the womb when they spend the rest
of their lives trying to get back in?
- Why do we dislike muddy-tasting coffee when we
know it’s ground?
- Is Mother Nature married to Father Time?
- Are all Kellogg cereals other than Special K only
average?
- If a four-year-old boy buys tampons, can he then
swim and ride a bike?
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s
license of a bald man?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who
tests it?
- Why didn’t Noah just swat those two
mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t
shoot at them?
- Why do you need a driver’s license to buy
liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it
sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices in the seats of
planes instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where
smoking is prohibited?
- If the 7-11 is open 24/7, 365 days a year, why
does it have locks on the door?
- Does Phillip Morris offer a smoke-free workplace?
- You know that indestructible black box that is
used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?
- If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do
they get baby oil?
- If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
- If you are driving at the speed of light and you
turn your headlights on, what happens?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a
drive-up ATM?
- Why is it that when you transport something by
car it is called shipment, but when you transport
something by ship it’s called cargo?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an
airplane?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all
stuck together?
- Since they’re already constructed, why
aren’t buildings called “builts?”
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
humanitarians eat?
- How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
- Despite the cost of living, why does it remain so
popular?
- Why do funeral homes charge so much and blame it
on the cost of living?
- If chocolate chip cookies are made with real
chocolate, what are girl scout cookies made with?
- If the world didn’t suck, would we all fall
off?
- You can’t have everything; where would you
put it?
- How would you write a definition of left and
right?
- How come you can give a cold to somebody else and
still have one yourself?
- Why do dogs still have bad breath even after
eating a Tic-Tac?
- Aren’t we lucky that wrinkles don’t
hurt?
- Is car sickness the feeling you get when the
monthly payment is due?
- Why is it that, if you eat a two-pound box of
candy, you gain five pounds?
- How do you know when invisible ink runs out?
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Ruminating Observations
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train
station is where a train stops. My desk is a work
station.
- Women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.
- If you can’t be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
- I don’t care much about apathy.
- Lysdexia is probably perfectly understandable to
an afflicted person.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some
don’t have the right speed of film.
- A day without sunshine is like, well,
night.
- On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
- I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is
empty.
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember
most of it.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
don’t.
- Just when you think you can make ends meet,
somebody moves the ends.
- I feel like I’m angle parked in a parallel
universe.
- He’s not dead, he’s
electroencephalographically challenged.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
- It is better to remain silent and be thought a
fool than open your mouth and confirm it.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented
fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, there’s a
90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- If you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and
pass.
- Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make
up 75% of the world’s population.
- The things that come to those who wait are the
things left behind by those who got there first.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.
- It was recently discovered that research causes
cancer in laboratory rats.
- Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since
nobody listens.
- I wished the buck stopped here; I could use a
few.
- I started out with nothing, and still have most
of it.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
- Ear piercing done while you wait.
- Persons entering this building will be monitored
by an offsite camera.
- If somebody hits you, don’t hit
back—they always catch the second
person.
- Never ask a three-year-old to hold a
tomato.
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes
of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls
a hamstring.
- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves
completely.
- If you can remain calm, you probably don’t
have all the facts.
- Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down
until the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain
number of things. Right now I am so far behind
that I will live forever.
- It’s frustrating when you know all the
answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell
apart.
- Time is a great healer but a lousy
beautician.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes
age comes alone.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
came today.
- There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in
Santa Claus; 2) You don’t believe in Santa
Claus; 3) You are Santa Claus; 4) You look like
Santa Claus.
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